It’s Time to Put an End to Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men…
“Time is money. Don't waste it on the wrong guy,” Ungenita kindly reminds me as I give her the scoop on my latest Menscapade (Men+Escapade ). I was sitting at Starbucks, doing what Pen Up Girl’s do best, when a fellow coffee-enthusiast struck up a conversation with me. He had warm eyes and a ponytail (I’m a sucker for those). He also spoke softly, which I sometimes wonder if that’s a tactic to make women lean in closer or listen more attentively. Anyways, after a few clever jokes and blush-worthy compliments, I decided to peal my eyes off of my laptop and give him more than one-worded answers. He seemed decent. In fact,I found myself placing him in different scenarios in my mind to see if he fit.We women are so weird sometimes. So, long story short, he gave me his number,mumbled something about a date, told me not to lose it, and went on his way. Not until later did I flip it over and realize what was on the other side. It was his psychiatrist’s business card.
Now, giving him the benefit of the doubt, we live in LA, everyone has issues they haven’t dealt with, and it’s sort of noble that he is taking action to become a better man. However, on the flip side, he just landed on the list next to the many other men that I seem to attract; the “emotionally unavailables”. Granted, that old saying of “what do they have in common?” would lead to the conclusion that it is ME who is the problem, and hey, maybe it’s the therapist I should be calling instead of him, but for the sake of the topic, it’s a good reminder to AVOID the unavailable.
I sought out the opinion of my 'Pen Up Partner In Crime', Ungenita Prevost. Her response? “A topic near and dear to my heart. I am notorious for dating unavailable men. We're either separated by the Atlantic Ocean or they're commitment-phoebes. Maybe it's not them, it’s me. I do LOVE being single and fancy free. I coined the phrase#ManFREEDiet for good reason.” This made me wonder whether WE are the emotionally unavailable ones, and therefor we seek out emotionally unavailable men so we have someone to blame it on. But, either way, if that is the case or not, the heartbreak following trying to get into a man that is anti-commitment is shattering, so the best route to take is the fast-lane on the highway, do NOT exit Misleading Men Blvd.
Read The Signs
Imagine passing through a construction zone. There are detour signs that direct us AWAY from the big black hole, however we women always think we know another way around it. But then we end up getting lost, trying to follow the other signs that mislead us and usually just circle us back around to the same place we had originally been. So what does this teach us about men?READ THE SIGNS! When you see a RED FLAG, pay attention! Get off the track! Regardless of the REASON he is emotionally unavailable (ie: previous heartbreak, hard upbringing, timing, you aren’t the right woman, etc) nothing you can do will CHANGE him. So get out before the roadwork begins.
What are the RED FLAGS?
1. Talk Is Chic. He TELLS you he doesn’t want a relationship. Sheesh, could a man ACTUALLY be telling the truth? YES! Believe him. And don’t ever think for a second that because he is ACTING differently , his words are untrue. He is human, with the same desire for attention and affection as the next… this does NOT mean the GREEN LIGHT for a relationship. Run!
2. Rebound . He talks about his EX… more than you care to hear. HINT HINT.. He’s NOT over her. RUN!
3. Secret LOVER . He HIDES you. You haven’t met his family, his friends, you aren’t posted on his social media, and he’s rarely affectionate in public... RUN!
4. Misled . The $EX is… porn. It can be mind blowing, wild and passionate…but there’s no lovemaking going on. He thinks of you as his toy. RUN!
5. Merry-Go-Round . He runs you around the bush when you try to ask him a question. Or even worse, he makes you feel bad about asking anything at all. You leave confused and questioning your own intuition. He’s hiding something. RUN!
6. Silence Is NOT Sexy .When you try to have “THE TALK” he will list every reason in the book to NOThave it right now. But later never really means later, it means never. He wants to GO WITH THE FLOW. “Can’t we just enjoy how things are?” RUN!
7. Affection My ASSets .Holding hands while walking down the street? Impossible. RUN!
8. Yo-Yo. You find yourself worrying, wondering, crying, annoyed, and aggravated more than ever.He’s changed plans on you, left you hanging, didn’t respond, said he’d change and never did… the list goes on. If your emotions are becoming an expense to his emotional unavailability… RUN!
9. Super Speed . If he is too flattering too soon, if he tries to woo you into bed on the first night,if he’s extremely nice and goes out of his way to get your attention; these are signs that he is only in it for the instant gratification. An ego stroke, once he has you, his interest is over. RUN!
10. There is someone else .This seems like such a DUH, but we too often ignore it. If he is even interested in someone else, talks about someone else, is DATING someone else or is still “separated” from his spouse… RUN!
Long story short, trust your gut. If you let ONE red flag slide, PAY ATTENTION to the next and ACT ON IT. Don’t make excuses for him. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Plus, you have much better things to be doing than chasing a man who you can never catch, like being FABULOUS and making MONEY! So get in your car and DRIVE the other way. Don’t ever let a man in who doesn’t deserve you. Own your WORTH with AND without a man!